Chapter 3

Mindfulness

I know there is a lot being written about mindfulness these days and it’s being touted as the solu-tion to everything from relationship problems, to work performance, and illness. When I started working on this book, a close friend cautioned me to “be mindful of the trendiness of mindful-ness”. With all that said, there is a growing body of research showing that increased mindfulness helps us to better see and connect with positive feelings and experiences, allowing us to live happier lives. Mindfulness has also been found to help people be less reactive and more respon-sive and intentional when experiencing anxiety or stress. This in turn allows for better decision making. (Add John Cabot-Zinn UMass studies on anxiety, depression and mindfulness) Mind-fulness helps us connect with our positive emotions and proves essential in being able to sit with and work through the negative ones.

Mindfulness involves a focused awareness of whatever is happening in the present moment without trying to change it. We can be mindful of our thoughts, feelings, and things going on around us, by simply noticing what they are, as they are. It’s about paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment with a non-judgmental and accepting attitude. One way to think about mindfulness is as being without doing.

“The past is history, the future is a mystery, but today is a gift – that’s why they call it ‘the present.'" — Kung Fu Panda

Everyday Mindfulness

Being present as you go through your day

Many tasks of daily life have the potential for enjoyment, but far too often we either get caught up in hurrying through them–or our minds are somewhere else altogether. We may be rehashing the past or rehearsing for the future. Making an effort to be in the present can help us appreciate the good things that are happening right now and decrease our sense of worry about the past or future.

Take doing the dishes for example. Its really easy to see doing the dishes as only a chore we have to somehow get through, which can make it a stressful part of the day or something we avoid. But what if you take time to really be present in the activity of washing dishes, the sound of the running water, the feel of the warm suds, the way the dishes look when they are clean and the satisfaction you get from seeing the sink empty again? It will allow for a very different experi-ence.

A friend of mine with a busy career and three young children says since she started practicing increased mindfulness, she and her husband now debate over who gets to do the dishes because it has become one of the more relaxing parts of their day.

The raisin exercise

A great way to get a sense of increased mindfulness is to experiment with eating one raisin. This is a quick and easy activity and is commonly used as an introduction to mindfulness classes. Start by taking a raisin and holding it in the palm of your hand or between your finger and thumb. Focusing on it, imagine that you’ve just dropped in from Mars and have never seen an object like this before in your life. Take time to really see it; gaze at the raisin with care and full attention and go through the following steps:

See it

Let your eyes explore every part of it, examining the highlights where the light shines, the darker hollows, the folds and ridges, and any asymmetries or unique features.

Touch it

Turn the raisin over between your fingers, exploring its texture, maybe with your eyes closed if that enhances your sense of touch. Smelling Holding the raisin beneath your nose, with each inhalation drink in any smell, aroma, or fragrance that may arise, noticing as you do this anything interesting that may be happening in your mouth or stomach.

Place it

Now slowly bring the raisin up to your lips, noticing how your hand and arm know exactly how and where to position it. Gently place the object in the mouth, without chewing, noticing how it gets into the mouth in the first place. Spend a few moments exploring the sensations of having it in your mouth, exploring it with your tongue.

Taste it

When you are ready, prepare to chew the raisin, noticing how and where it needs to be for chewing. Then, very consciously, take one or two bites into it and notice what happens in the aftermath, experiencing any waves of taste that emanate from it as you continue chewing. Without swallowing yet, notice the bare sensations of taste and texture in the mouth and how these may change over time, moment by moment, as well as any changes in the object itself.

Swallow it

When you feel ready to swallow the raisin, see if you can first detect the intention to swallow as it comes up, so that even this is experienced consciously before you actually swallow the raisin.

Formal Mindfulness

Breath awareness and meditation

Spending dedicated time working on mindfulness through formal practice can help us to experience increased mindfulness in our daily activities. Just the act of focusing on breath is way of being more fully in the present moment.

Breathing is a fundamental aspect of human life. We all breathe 20 to 30 thousand of times every day, but how often are we really aware of our breath?

Paying attention to the breath can be a simple way for us to begin to be more fully present and aware.

Our breathing can become quicker and more shallow when we are anxious, leading to a sense of panic or feeling like something is very wrong physically, that we are having a heart attack or are about to die.

When we are upset or stressed out, spending a few moments with the breath can have a calming effect on the body — and therefore can allow us time to decide how to respond to the unpleasant person or event, without having to react right away.

Here is how to put it into practice.

These days there are lots of tools available for mindfulness meditations. There are recordings you can download or purchase and even several apps dedicated to building a daily mindfulness practice. There are many variations of breath awareness exercises. Some are very brief and others more elaborate. You may want to try out a few and see which is the right fit for you. Below are the steps included in most meditations.

Find a quiet place and settle into a comfortable posture

Find a quiet place where you will not be disturbed for the 10 minutes (turn off your phone, close the door, etc.).
Sit in the floor or in a chair, whichever is more comfortable for you. You can be in tradi-tional cross-legged posture or in any other position that is comfortable. The most im-portant thing is to keep your back straight, helping create and alert posture.

Turn attention to the breath

Sit with your eyes open or closed (whichever feel more natural) and turn you attention to your breath. Breathe naturally, preferably through your nostrils, without attempting to control your breathing.
Focus on the sensation of the breath as it enters and leaves your nostrils. This sensation is the primary focus of the meditation. Try focus on it fully
It is not about trying to breathe deeply or changing your breathing in any way-simply. You just let your body breathe the way it naturally does.
There is no particular way your body is supposed to feel. Observe your body as it breathes, allow your experience to be just as it is, without judging or needing to change

Your mind may seem busier

At first, your mind may be very busy, and you might even feel that the meditation is making your mind busier; but in what is really happening is that you are becoming more aware of how busy your mind actually is.
There will be a great temptation to follow the different thoughts as they arise. Just try to catch yourself and gently return to focusing on the sensation of the breath.

Gently keep your focus on breath

As you sit focusing on the breath, inevitably your mind will wander off. This is natural; it is simply what our minds are in the habit of doing.
When you become aware that your attention has gotten caught up in a thought or feeling or sensation, simply notice that. You might even gently say to yourself “Not now,” and allow your mind to release the thought, bringing attention once again to the very next breath.

Acceptance

Allowing for thoughts and feelings without judgment.

One reason people find mindfulness practice challenging is that it can make us more aware of many of our thoughts and feelings, and some of them may be negative. If we try to forcefully push our thoughts and feelings away/out of our minds, they tend to become stronger and can take up even more of our attention.

Instead, we can practice just simply noticing that they are there–without feeling like we have to do anything about them. It can be helpful to imagine them as leaves on a stream, just floating along the surface. Some will just pass right by and others will get stuck on a rock or a root for a bit before eventually freeing itself and moving on. As we practice acceptance of thoughts and feelings, we learn to be more compassionate with ourselves.

Self-compassion

Being a supportive and caring friend to yourself

We are often better at having compassion for others than for ourselves. Why is this? Some theo-rize that for survival reasons we had to learn to be forgiving of each other, to be able to depend on each other, as there was no evolutionary benefit to being forgiving of ourselves. However, just as having compassion towards others motivates you to help them and ease their suffering, self-compassion gives you permission to take a supportive, caring attitude towards yourself. Self-compassion is linked to overall well-being. There is a growing body of research suggesting that self compassionate individuals suffer less and thrive more (see Barnard & Curry, 2011 for a review).

Self compassion is: - Having empathy for yourself and understanding of your own suffering. - Sitting with your own imperfection. - Understanding your mistakes in the larger context.

Make it a Habit

Pick one activity to do more mindfully over the next week. Ideally one you do every day such as brushing your teeth, waiting for the bus, making dinner, walking to work.
Devote 10 minutes a day to a formal mindfulness activity

Option A: Mediation CD

Spend 10 minutes listening to a recording of a guided breath awareness activity each day. This can be done at whatever time of day works best for your schedule, but it can be helpful to do it at the same time each day, in order to make it a routine. Practice noting your thoughts and feelings without reacting right away

Option B: Headspace App

Download the app “headspace” and find at time to devote 10 minutes a day to it.

Learn More

Kabat-Zinn, Jon. (2013). Full catastrophe living : using the wisdom of your body and mind to face stress, pain, and illness. New York :Bantam Books trade paperback,