Chapter 10

Reframing

The Meaning We Assign Things

The meaning we assign to an event, as well as how we see it fitting into the larger context of our life, impacts the extent to which the event is experienced as stressful.

Research has shown that that when we reframe a situation focusing on the positive or more neu-tral aspects (also known as positive reappraisals), we tend to feel better about the situation and experience less anxiety and stress. I find that this is particularly helpful for the events that are out of our control.

Take for example two people waiting for a bus or train that isn’t on schedule, One, keeps replay-ing negative thoughts, “now I am going to be late” “ this seat is uncomfortable” “this is wasting valuable time” “ I rushed out of me house for no reason”, “The person next to me is talking loud-ly on his phone. That is so rude “ The more he focuses on these negative thoughts the more dis-tressing and frustrating the situation becomes. In contrast the second person, while acknowledg-ing that it is a frustrating situation, also thinks about, having a rare chance to be outside on a somewhat warm day, that even though she is going to be late, she is going to still get to spend time with a good friend, that even though this loud talker is annoying, there was a time before cellphones when it was much harder to reach people when you were running late. This person, is more likely to have a better experience of the wait, and be less stressed and anxious when she arrives.

Reframing can be an important part of the coping process and a very effective way to stop or shift a negative thought loop. It can make us feel less distressed about a difficult situation and at times can change how we approach a challenge.

Mindfulness and Reframing

Mindfulness can help us recognize when we getting caught up in negative appraisals. Sometimes simply grounding oneself in the present can allow for a reframing to emerge.

I remember once on a particularly windy San Francisco bike commute, I arrived at the windiest block of the ride and it was so strong that I was literally having to struggle to not get pushed backwards. All these negative frustrated thoughts started going through my head. “why do I have to live in such a windy place” I am going to be late and too tired to enjoy myself by the time I get to where I am meeting friends” “Am I the only one struggling so much? Maybe I’m in worse shape than I think” As I got consumed by these thoughts, I was becoming more frustrated, exhausted and started to feel an overall sense of defeat and dread. I caught myself, and took a moment to just notice (without judgment) the wind. I felt it’s power and remembered the sensation of pushing up against the wind as a little kid and the exhilaration of this force that was so much stronger than me. I wondered if I could recapture that feeling somehow and tried unzipping my jacket. The wind immediately pushed it up behind me like a cape and I imagined myself flying and instead of fighting, and instead of trying to distract myself from the force of the wind, I let myself be fully connected with it. I observed that if I started to zig zag slightly, riding became a little easier. Within a few moments, I realized I was no longer having a negative experience, but was actually enjoying myself and that my clenched jaw had softened to a smile.

Here are some examples of how to do it:  - “It’s not as bad as it could be” - “This could lead to something positive” - “There are other good things going on in my life” - “Maybe this isn’t as important as I was making it out to be” - “I’ve been through this before and it turned out ok”

Now try it:

Reframing is a skill that can feel strange or awkward when you first try it, but like all of the skills we are learning, it becomes easier with time and practice.

Recall a stressful event:

Think back over the week and describe a time when you felt stressed. What happened? (Remember to keep it small!)
How did you feel when it happened?
What did you do in response?

Think about how a reframe could be used in response to the event.

Now, try to reframe this event in a positive or neutral way.
List some ways that maybe it wasn’t as bad as it could have been,
How it maybe wasn’t as bad as you first thought it was,
Good things that could come out of the event (You’ve learned something, you became a stronger person, you grew closer to someone in your life …)
“This is actually a good thing because…”

Sometimes it is really hard to reframe a serious stressful event and such reframes may take some time. In the meantime realizing that sometimes things just suck may be helpful. While at these times, we know that we cannot actually change certain things, part of what this practice may help you do is become better at dealing with them, feeling better, and perhaps, having the capacity to better cope with stress.

Make it a Habit

Try some reframes this week

Each day think of one negative or stressful thing that happened then practice positive or neutral reframe regarding that event:

Why it may not be as bad as initially thought?
Is there some potential good that might come of it?
Is there a way you may grow from this experience?

See if you can catch yourself in the midst of a stressful moment try to reframe it.

Note: Be sure to focus on small stressful events – things that are irritating, instead of any major stressful events that might be going on in your life right now. With reframes it helps to start small and build up to the bigger things.